Redneck Bar & Grill

We’ve been scheming away late at night over brews, trying to figure out how to give back to some of our favorite blogs and sites out there. How to show them that we really care, in a special and heartwarming way. If you sample everything in these redneck beer gift baskets, it may be heartburn inducing as well!
Think of this as our unique award for just being you. If we send you one of our  Redneck beer gift baskets, we hope you might pass it on to a few unsuspecting bloggers yourself.

You can pick up the code right here: Send a Virtual Beer Gift Basket

Of course, you don’t have to “reward” anyone (snicker inserted here) if you don’t feel like it. Just sit back, crack one of our virtual Blue Beaver Beers and sample one of the many snacks included in the basket. Enjoy!

Our first deserving victim, I mean, recipient, is RT from Untwisted Vortex. His wife is coming home soon for her  Philippines vacation, and RT has a big party planned. I wanted to send over this beer basket before it’s too late and he had to make do with some inferior brand of beer like Skrokanee or Moose Drool. We hope he has a great shindig over there, and we wish him and his wife the best!

We decided to use hand picked bullrush fronds from the banks of the mighty Horseguard River, instead of a stainless steel bucket as in our usual beer gift baskets. That a little less of a redneck gift this way I know, but I thought RT’s wife might appreciate the basket for house decorating.

What is going into Richard’s basket? Well,  we’ll start it off with one dozen Blue Beaver Beers, lovingly surrounded with 2 layers of bubble wrap to make sure they get there in one piece. You can check out our Virtual Beer Basket code page to see the rest of the snacks. I know your mouth will be watering in anticipation and envy when you see what we are sending to the Philippines!

There is a line in the movie “Pulp Fiction”, spoken by John Travolta’s character Vincent Vega; “They’ve got the same sh*t over there that we do, it’s just that over there it’s a little different.”  I had occasion recently to travel down from Alberta into the U.S.A. and that is pretty much what I was thinking a lot of the time.  For the most part I knew which differences to expect and yet they still surprised me a bit.

For example, when we crossed over into Montana I noticed that speed limit sign and gas price signs were in Imperial measurements as opposed to the Metric that we are accustomed to.  Now this in and of itself was one of the things that I expected; but what surprised me was a speed limit sign that said “70″.  When this is translated into metric it works out to 113 km/h.  On the majority of our highways the speed limit is 100 km/h and only on a couple of our freeways are we permitted to do 110 km/h ( at least that’s the technically legal limit).

As well I have heard a lot about skyrocketing fuel prices in the U.S. (a problem which also afflicts Canadians).  The cheapest price I saw was 3.86 $/gallon.  After you do the Metric conversion that come out to 1.02 $/Litre.  The average price in Alberta right now is 1.26 $/L so for us that was cheap.

Another thing that I expected was the fact that you can buy alcohol in just about any store down there.  Even so I was not prepared for the convenience of picking up some groceries and grabbing a six-pack at the same time.  Around these parts I have to walk across the parking lot and go into the separate liquor store that’s run by the grocery store  This causes me to spend precious extra minutes shopping when I could be already headed home so that I can start drinking that much sooner.

A part of me knew it would be too much to hope for to find some Blue Beaver Beer while I was down there.  What shocked me though was that no one I spoke to had even heard of it!  The one retailer did direct me to try “Moose Drool” which I did enjoy quite a bit.  Although, take it from me, it doesn’t actually taste anything at all like real moose drool.

Well, you can clearly see what I have been doing for the past several days.  That’s right, I’ve been riding Tremors with an 11 year old girl (don’t worry, her mother [sitting right behind us] said I could).  I wanted to perform an experiment.  You see at first she was scared to ride the roller coaster, but after promising her all the cotton candy she could keep down she agreed to go on it.

After many rides she was finally able to calm down enough to quickly flash a thumbs up sign at the camera.  At the same time I very carefully and deliberately posed in such a way that I looked terrified (even though I wasn’t).  And thus, I was able to get the picture that I wanted.

And if that girl ever tells you that I was really scared or that I was screaming during the ride, don’t believe her; she’s a lying little weasel (I was yelling-there’s a difference; look it up in a dictionary).

In the last couple days, everyone has been asking me, “Tim, what are you going to put in those beer gift baskets you keep talking about? Can we get one of these awesome baskets that you and Ernie are weaving by hand from the choicest bullrush fronds picked on the banks of the Mighty Horseguard River?”

Sorry, I don’t do basket weaving. We will use only the finest stainless steel or galvanized buckets that foreign child labour can provide.
Unfortunately, due to govt. regulations, we will be unable to send Blue Beaver Beer or other, less important beers, except locally. If you can stop by the Redneck Bar and Grill, we can hook you up with a fully loaded  Blue Beaver Beer gift basket. Otherwise, we can get you a virtual bucket with the other items. Then you can get your own beer and you are set.

What other fantastic treats (that go good with beer) will be placed in these amazing gift baskets? We won’t be sending out boring stuff like pretzels, salted nuts or regular old cheeses. Read on for the real gourmet foods.

First of all, genuine imported Ram’s Bladder Cup garnished with lark’s vomit from the Whizzo Chocolate Company. We were going to get them to send us Crunchy Frog, but a lot of the bar patrons didn’t like the frogs. I promise you, when you bite into a Ram’s Bladder Cup, your tastebuds will just die!

Let’s move on to Mo’s Bacon Chocolate Bar. JD turned us on to these indescribable mouthwatering creations. As she said, to make something this tasty is “all wrong and terrible”.  It’s bacon and chocolate in every bite!

Next we have everyone’s favorite, the snack food staple made famous by Ernie’s friend Weird Al Yankovic: a twinkie wiener sandwich with Cheese Whiz. I can’t tell you how many of these I have enjoyed over the years. I prefer mine with all beef wieners.

Peeled scab of Cankersaurus was on the list, but we had trouble finding any of those since Cheech and Chong finished off the last few in the 80’s.

Pickled Prairie Oysters are a local delight with the ranchers, so we put a few of those in there. I bet you never knew we had oysters on the prairies. Well, we don’t have real oysters…

Sliced dried rhinoceros pizzle - need I say more? I will point out that pizzle is exactly the part you think it is but were afraid to ask. And don’t worry, we threw away all the diseased rhinoceros pizzle.

Round all of that out with a package of genuine Southern three fried beans. Fry some beans, then refry the leftovers, and then take the left over left overs and batter them to be fried again! When has cholesterol ever tasted so good? I just love saying three fried beans!

This is what we are gathering up to put in our redneck beer gift baskets. Any requests for ‘must have’ food items? We could see if we have any room left over.

It seems that some of you out there have trouble picking gifts. There are few things more dreaded than not being able to locate a present in time for that special day or big event. Fear not, we have a solution for you. After much deliberation, Ernie and I have agreed on what may be the most universal gift of all.

Beer gift baskets are the near perfect item for anyone on your list. Other than an AA meeting or a baptism, you can send one of these babies to any gathering and someone will enjoy it. Oh, and guys? Probably no good for your wedding anniversary. On the other hand, ladies would be well advised to get these for their men, who in general would be ecstatic to receive such a perfect bundle. If you can wrap the beer basket in with a 56″ Flat Screen Plasma, all the better.

Birthdays? Great Match. Even if the one who is having a birthday is underage, doesn’t like beer (weirdo!) or is on some medication that counter-indicates alcohol consumption, a beer gift basket will still come in handy. Little Bobby might only have 5 candles on his cake, but his Daddy might love a Blue Beaver Beer at 5:00 in the afternoon. Depending on how many of the little weasels are at the party, there may be more than one adult there in need of a brew. Ernie has been know to quaff several beer while enjoying the ‘company’ of other people’s toddlers.
Wedding gift openings could really use a beer gift basket to tune things up a little. After opening presents with towels, toasters, soap dishes, pillows, fancy eatin’ dishes, blenders and what have you, the groom needs to see something that is mainly for him. Let’s face it, he’s just sitting there suffering quietly through the bride’s gift opening. None of that stuff is for him, so imagine how much he will appreciate your thoughtful Blue Beaver Beer Gift Basket.

Funerals. A lot of family members really want a drink at times like these. Tact is needed to determine if a beer gift basket is appropriate for a particular individual or family. A grieving young widow who is left with no father for her young children is a bad match. But if you are going to the wake of Uncle Frank, who was known to hoist a few in his time with his pals, you might be able to get away with it. These bereavement baskets might be quite popular if they also contained some stronger spirits as well.

And lets not forget Christmas! Not getting along so well with the inlaws? Get them a gift packed with the goodness of beer and see if they warm to you a little. Hopefully they won’t decide you are completely beyond redemption (you wastrel!).

One of these baskets might contain more than one variety of beer or just a specific brand. They usually also contain delicacies such as gourmet crackers, beef jerky, salted peanuts or mixed gourmet nuts, samples of gourmet cheeses, dried rhinoceros pizzle and other unique snack items. Some baskets come in a beer bucket, a galvanized or stainless steel bucket big enough to hold twelve beer.

So next time you are stuck for a gift, order up a beer gift basket. Even if the intended receiver is unhappy with it, a re-gift will certainly work out. The very best of these of course contain Blue Beaver Beer, although if necessary you can just put any old beer in there to match the recipient’s tastes. Please think before hand to decide if the gift will be welcome. Your ninety year old Aunt Florence might like a warm pair of slippers instead.

…and it was frakking awesome! Words can barely express just how truly awesome it was (although the dictionary definition of the word comes close). Of course the after-party was pretty mind blowing as well; which is why it’s taken me 5 days to recover enough to write this review.

“Weird Al” took the stage with very little fanfare. No warm-up act, no introduction necessary. They played his song “Fun Zone” and he and the band (Jim West-guitar, Steve Jay-bass guitar, Ruben Valtierra-keyboards, and Jon “Bermuda” Schwartz on drums) came out and launched right into “Polka Your Eyes Out”. And everything just got better and better from there on.

“Weird Al” did costume changes for almost every song and to keep the audience entertained while they wait he shows clips from interviews he did with other performers on his “Al TV” show. Celine Dion, Steven Tyler, Emminem, and Jessica Simpson Sampson just to name a few. He always digs deep, peels back the layers, and finds out the real story that nobody knows.

Naturally he preformed all of his greatest hit. During “Eat It” when he sang the line “have some more bacon”, Cannucklehead just went ballistic. Then as soon as “Weird Al” came out on stage dressed in his “Fat” suit, J.D. threw herself at his feet and he had to wait for security to escort her back to her seat so he could perform the song. And when he got to the part where he repeats “ho” several times, an actual ho came out on stage carrying a hoe. Corrina laughed her ass off at that one ’cause she said she meets a lot of ho’s at her job.

R.T. came up all the way from the Philippines so that he could hear “White and Nerdy” live. I think maybe he wants to get a Segway of his own. Hari went crazy when “Weird Al” started to do “I’ll Sue Ya”. Tammy nearly fainted when Al came over and sat on her lap while he sang “Wanna B Ur Lovr”. Manodogs was pretty disappointed when he didn’t get to hear “Ode To A Superhero” (Spiderman to the tune of Piano Man) but he had a really good time anyway.

In addition to all of our friends who came out to the show, Al had all kinds of guest stars. Donny Osmond did his special “White and Nerdy” dance, Micheal Stipe helped out on the song that he and Al wrote together - “Cell-phones”, a couple of local cheerleaders got to work their stuff during “Smells Like Nirvana” and then five Storm Troopers, Bobba Fett and Darth Vader all showed up during “The Saga Begins”. Then just in case we hadn’t had enough, he did a medley of (nearly) every other song he has ever recorded including my current favourite, “Do I Creep You Out” (I wish I could find a nice girl to creep out like that).

As I said; FRAKKING AWESOME!

And in case you missed why Weird Al was in The Redneck, read how we met Weird Al in Calgary years ago.

There’s been an…occurrence happening around The Redneck lately that I feel that I ought to address.  As you know we have that whole “do-follow” thing going on; so when you leave a comment it will link back to your own blog/website (if you know this then why am I bothering to bring it up, one might inquire).  Now; I have covered the whole spam tofu thing before so I shall not mention it here.  However, there is another concern that I have.  Several times various people have left comments in the moderation queue and after checking the back-link to their site I have become concerned.  They have blogs written in a foreign tongue.

Now I wish to state, for the record, absolutely none of the management or staff down here at The Redneck are prejudiced in any way whatsoever.  We believe that everyone should be able to enjoy a Blue Beaver Beer no matter what your race, creed or sexual preference might be (except paisley people, screw all paisley people).  After all some of my best friends really, really like beavers but I would never judge them for it.

The only problem I have is that with a blog written in a foreign tongue, is that they could be saying anything and we would never know.  They might be saying, “Let’s clear cut the Forests of Ubangme” or “The Redneck Bar and Grill Sucks” or worst of all, “Coors Light tastes better than Blue Beaver Beer“.  I mean, seriously, we can’t risk the possibility that they might be spreading such terrible propaganda.  So for anyone who has a foreign language blog/website who leaves a comment for us; thank-you very much for stopping by and I’m very sorry we can’t publish your comments.

That’s right! Weird Al is going to be paying The Redneck a visit this week. Ernie goes way back with Al, and he asked the King of song parody to do a special private show for us and a few patrons while he’s in Alberta this week.

I don’t remember if I ever told you the story of how we met Weird Al, all those years ago in downtown Calgary. We were walking along, enjoying the  sites as we dodged street people and politely refused to buy baggies of stuff from scruffy looking alley vendors. There was a Weird Al concert that night, and we were just killing time and waiting to go see our favourite performer live. Ernie had his lucky Weird Al t-shirt on in preparation for the big event.

A guy wearing a hoodie up over his head was walking toward us with his hands in his pockets, and he stopped in front of Ernie and said, “Nice shirt, man.” We suddenly clued in that this was Weird Al! The rest, as they say, is history.

You may recall our experiences last year at the Weird Al concert in Calgary , and the hot Spanish chicks we ended up with. Weird Al even sat briefly at our table! I bet you’re jealous now. Ernie also wrote his thoughts about Weird Al’s Calgary Concert.

I haven’t got to the best part yet, though. Then one day Ernie was walking through the Forest of Ubangme, just trying to get a tan, and he found Weird Al, stranded in the middle of nowhere. It seems his Segway ran out of juice, and he had lost his cell phone. Fortunately, Ernie was able to call for help and Get Al’s crew out there to pick him up. While they waited, they shared a  glimpse of the rare Slouching Tiger amongst the trees. Al promised to do a favour for Ernie someday, and Ernie decided to try to get Al out to the horseguard Valley.

I know Ernie has sent out special invites to certain people out there. However, I think that anyone can find the Redneck Bar And Grill is welcome to get in on the fun.

Ah, those wacky minions! Always rushing in and getting their fool heads sliced open by my Elvish Longsword of Minion Slaying +3 with bottle opener attachment. Those were the days. And Ernie, with his Staff of Minion Enslavement and his Neverending Salad Dressing Flask. We really tore it up against those warlords.

Alas, my adventuring days are over. Ernie and I stowed our gear in a back room of the Redneck Bar and Grill and started serving beer instead of Whup-ass. I can still remember it like it was years ago. Our last campaign crossed continents, spanned large span-able things and nearly ended with the destruction of the multiverse. And, it was a non-stop thrill ride!

And now, I have been asked to become a minion of Untwisted Vortex. I have to say, being RT’s minion is bound to be a lot better than any of the ones I’ve run into before. Apparently all this time, Overlords, evil wizards, despots and all around bad rulers have been calling their henchmen and followers “minions” in a mistaken understanding of the word.

There is a game out right now called Overlord Raising Hell. You become an all-powerful Overlord, and then control an army of impish creatures, called Minions. One review calls them a “pack of slavishly loyal rascals”. I guess I wasn’t the only one using this definition of the word.

I have been called impish, loyal and a rascal, but never slavish. And I am not a pack creature, but rather more of an individual. As long as RT doesn’t demand I become part of a “slavishly loyal pack” I shall become Untwisted Vortex’ Noble Minion, in hopes of being raised up to royalty. And other side benefits. If you are also interested in becoming a minion, you should check it out.

And if you have never visited RT at Untwisted Vortex, as his minion I must insist you that you go there right now. He is a swell Overlord. He would never demand that his minions attack an obviously superior foe in hand to hand combat, with death as a sure reward. And he never makes us taste his food to make sure it is free of poison. He hasn’t even raised his voice at me so far (in person, anyways!)

His blog covers many topics, such as Philippine Airlines and Philippines Travel. Well, what are you waiting for? Get over there and read a whole honkin’ armload of his articles forthwith!

So a little while ago my Aunt Pollie was telling me that her law firm has just been swamped with land deals recently.  It seems that a vast number of people are wanting to move out to Saskatchewan.  Really, who cam blame them; the vast stretches of land that are utterly unobstructed by any sort of features like hills or trees (it’s a well known Canadian fact that all of Saskatchewan’s trees long ago migrated to British Columbia).  That sort of thing is really appealing to anyone who has recently undergone elective brain surgery.

There are a number of Saskatchewanians who believe that their province is starting to become the new Alberta.  The oil and gas industry is starting to take off, land is abundant and people are starting to want to go there and get a piece of the pie.  However, if Saskatchewan does become the new Alberta they had best get ready for an influx of foreigners who can barely speak the English language.  Yeah, pretty soon there won’t be anybody left in Newfoundland at all.  Next they’ll have to designate some podunk little town as New Fort MacMurray.  Maybe North Battleford can be their Newfie Reserve.  Lard T’underin’!

Just to assist any of our southern neighbours who may not be familiar with the subtleties of Canadian culture, perhaps this will help.  Alberta is in many ways similar to Texas, Newfoundland would be our New Jersey, the closest thing to Saskatchewan might be Nebraska which probably makes Nunavut the equivalent to Delaware.